Dear Dr Newt,

I’m approaching middle age, and am starting to worry about my weight.
I have a very sedentary job, I eat on the go, and lately I’ve noticed
that I’m packing it on a bit at the waist. I was wondering if you had
any advice on weight loss and maintaining a healthy diet?

A Little Paunchy

A guy asks for help with his middle age spread.

Dr Newt looks into what everyone’s talking about. 2 Girls 1 Cup reaction video.

Dear Dr. Newt,

Will you blend?

Signed,

Internet blender salesman

A blender salesman asks the eternal herpetological question of Dr. Newt.

Looking for answers about this episode? It is funnier when you know what’s going on.

Dear Dr. Newt,

Train A is leaving Dildo, Newfoundland at 6 a.m. headed for Kapuskasing, Ontario at a speed of 80 kilometres per hour and Train B is leaving at 7:20 a.m. from Kapuskasing for Dildo at 110 kilometres per hour. At what point on the trip will they crash into one another?

Signed,

Pythagoras Johnson

Dr Newt helps with your math homework. As if Newts do math.

Dear Dr. Newt,

I hear that you newts sometimes secrete poison from their pores. If I ate you, would I get a hallucinogenic experience? Or would I just keel over and die?

Signed,

Trippy Skippy

What happens if you eat a newt?

“Lick a lizard? What’s that?”

Dear Dr. Newt,

I have been hearing a lot lately about global warming. There’s a lot of different opinions about it and it’s all very confusing. I was wondering if you had any idea what causes global warming, and what I can do to stop it.

Signed,

Globally Concerned.

A socially-conscious individual wishes to discover the best ways to combat climate change.

Dear Dr. Newt,

The world is stupid and I hate it. Girls are stuck up little bitches who only care about their hair and tits and only give those not in their clique a second look to laugh at them and call them losers. And the guys the dumb jockish, dickwads who, to feel big and disguise their latent homosexuality, beat up people smaller than them and defecate on their faces. I hate them all. I’m going to make all them burn. Burn like the useless whores they are. Do you know of any websites that could show me how to build a pipe bomb? Ones with pictograms are good, but video demonstrations are even better.

Signed,

Duffle Coat Mafia

A high school student is having a tiny bit of trouble fitting in.