Dear Dr Newt,
I’m approaching middle age, and am starting to worry about my weight.
I have a very sedentary job, I eat on the go, and lately I’ve noticed
that I’m packing it on a bit at the waist. I was wondering if you had
any advice on weight loss and maintaining a healthy diet?
A Little Paunchy
A [...]
Dear Dr. Newt,
Will you blend?
Signed,
Internet blender salesman
A blender salesman asks the eternal herpetological question of Dr. Newt.
Looking for answers about this episode? It is funnier when you know what’s going on.
Dear Dr. Newt,
Train A is leaving Dildo, Newfoundland at 6 a.m. headed for Kapuskasing, Ontario at a speed of 80 kilometres per hour and Train B is leaving at 7:20 a.m. from Kapuskasing for Dildo at 110 kilometres per hour. At what point on the trip will they crash into one another?
Signed,
Pythagoras Johnson
Dr Newt helps [...]
Dear Dr. Newt,
I just started dating Bobby Crenshaw, he’s captain of the football team and he’s so dreamy. And I love with all my heart. But things are moving so fast and I’m a good Christian girl that wants to save herself for marriage because I don’t want to go to Hell. The heat would [...]
Dear Dr Newt,
I have a 1967 Buick Skylark that I have taken on as a restorationproject. The body’s in pretty good shape, the interior’s got some dryrot, but should be easy to reupholster. My problem is that I can’tfind parts for the transmission. My choices seem to be replacing thewhole tranny with something more modern, [...]
Dear Dr. Newt,
Do you think that I should kill myself?
Signed, Unsure about life.Dr. Newt delicately tries to help a youth contemplating suicide.
Dear Dr.Newt,
Can I ask if americans DO really kill for no reason?
Signed, Stephen182006Dr Newt explains the American psyche.
Dear Dr. Newt,
My parents don’t understand me. I am a sensitive, young man at the beginning of what I feel will be a meaningful artistic journey as an emo musician. But my father thinks I should try out for sports or get a part-time job. I tried showing mom my lyrics, but she thinks I [...]
Dear Dr. Newt,
My neighbour has been acting suspicious lately. When she first moved in last month, things were fine. She kept largely to herself but seemed nice. But now she’s up to something. She’s always in my face like she’s trying to extract information from me. Things like how am I doing, and what do [...]
Dear Dr. Newt,
Are you putting on a little weight? Are there baby Dr Newts on the way, or is it just good living?
Signed, Jimbobpics
A fan rudely insults Dr. Newt’s size.
Dear Dr Newt
I have a turtle and one day it just disappeared… what happened?
ChrasityFilms
A viewer asks the Doctor for help finding his pet, turtle.
Dear Dr Newt
I have two webbed toes on each foot my friends want me to slit it apart what should I do?
Sincerely,Web Toed Weirdo
A young man has issues with his mutant toes.
Dear Dr. Newt,
Isn’t your advice show basically just a ripoff of Ask a Ninja?
A viewer accuses Dr. Newt of being a rip-off artist.
Don’t understand things in this video?
Dear Dr. Newt,
Hey man, It’s Marty from college. I’m in a real bind. A deal went kind of sour and now there’s missing drugs and six mutilated bodies in my trunk. I was wondering if you could do me a solid. Let me lay low for awhile in your tank. Then maybe you could hook [...]
Dear Dr. Newt,
I have been working at the same job for a few years now, and I’m beginning to feel like just a cog in the machine. I want to advance in my career, but I just can’t seem to find a way to get noticed for my achievements. How can I get my boss [...]
Dear Dr. Newt,
If I was a flower and you were a bee, what would you do to me?
Bachelorette Number One
A game show contestant wants to see if she and Dr. Newt are compatible.
Is there more you need to know? Check the Ask Dr. Newt Annotated Episode Glossary.
Dear Dr. Newt,
I hear that you newts sometimes secrete poison from their pores. If I ate you, would I get a hallucinogenic experience? Or would I just keel over and die?
Signed,
Trippy Skippy
What happens if you eat a newt?
“Lick a lizard? What’s that?”
Dear Dr. Newt,
I have been hearing a lot lately about global warming. There’s a lot of different opinions about it and it’s all very confusing. I was wondering if you had any idea what causes global warming, and what I can do to stop it.
Signed,
Globally Concerned.
A socially-conscious individual wishes to discover the best ways [...]
Dear Dr. Newt,
The world is stupid and I hate it. Girls are stuck up little bitches who only care about their hair and tits and only give those not in their clique a second look to laugh at them and call them losers. And the guys the dumb jockish, dickwads who, to feel big and [...]
Dear Dr. Newt,
I’m a single mother of four with a mortgage on my house and two jobs and I sometimes have trouble making ends meet. My littlest is in braces and my oldest keeps outgrowing his clothing. Do you have any advice on how I can stretch my dollar?
Signed,
Money troubles
A single mother asks for financial [...]
Dear Dr. Newt,
If you ruled the world, what would you change, and why?
The Miss America Pageant
A beauty pageant contestant wonders how Dr. Newt would rule the world.
______________
NOT THE ADVICE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR?
How to Win Your Crown: A Teen’s Guide to Pageant Competition
JUST BUY A BOOK!
Dear Dr. Newt,
I have this rash on my left testicle that’s turning blue. Should I get this checked out?
Sincerely,
Blue Ball
Dr. Newt helps a man with a problem down there.
_______________
NOT THE ADVICE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR?
Men’s Private Parts : A Pocket Reference to Prostate, Urologic, and Sexual Health
JUST BUY A BOOK!
Dear Dr. Newt,
My girlfriend Eunice and I seem to fight all the time. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about, what movie to go see, where to eat dinner or whose psychic ability would solve a murder faster, Johnny Smith’s from The Dead Zone or Louis Ciccone’s from Seeing Things, we always ending up in [...]
